I try not to write to much on here about myself. I try to stay focused on products and Google, Google Adsense, and my new favorite "Go Green" products like Gaiam products and sales.
But excuse me if I am wrong, I thought Blogs were originally for journaling online?
I mean there has to be more to life than blogging about how to make money online, Google, Adsense and Gaiam green products right?
If there is anyone out there who wants to hear about my life, let me know with an email using the contact form below.
So this weekend I spoke with my baby sister (she is 40) but still my baby sister. Anyway, we talked about my mom and how we think she won't make it past this year because she is really deathly ill. She smoked all her life like her mom and it is killing her, literally. Anyone who doesn't think it's tough, she uses this inhaler machine and smokes right after. It's kind of tough for me to have a lot of sympathy because of what she did to me all of my life when I was a kid. I don't know how many mothers torture their kids by simulating drowning but my guess is it isn't a lot. Of course now days, who knows. Anyway, some people think I should have never forgiven her but I think it is much harder on your soul to not forgive. Anyway, I know she was sick.
When I was 4, dad came home in the middle of the night or like 4-5am and was stinking drunk. He was mad because mom hadn't made his bisquits and gravy (yes we are southern) born anyway, not raised. Anyway, he beat her really bad and made all 7 of us kids get out of bed and sit on the sofa while he did it. She was about 7 months pregnant. Anyway, he thru her to the floor, grabbed the shotgun and stuck it between her legs, she screamed and so did we. He just laughed.
So you see, I can kind of forgive her a little easier because she was really nuts from him beating on her for years. Sure it's no excuse for abusing children, the cycle has to be broken. But I forgave her and that was the bottom line.
One time she had to call the emergency room and ask them what to do because she had a potato stuck in her. They told her to push like she was giving birth. I guess it worked.
It's really difficult to find normally and hang onto it when you see that sort of violence as a child. But, it's a choice as an adult as to whether you let it ruin your life or make you stronger and be the one who breaks the cycle. All of my life I have never been able to handle violence. My sister always brings up my mom beating me when I got older after coming home as a teenager from the state hospital. She says she can never forget how I wouldn't fight back and how terrified I was just like when I was a kid.
I wrote a letter to mom last year after she wrote one saying how sorry she was for everything. I told her I didn't hate her. I love her, she is my mom. She may not have been a mom like what a mom should be but, I wouldn't be here had she not given birth to me. I just cannot talk to her or visit her. It hurts too much to see her dying and not stopping smoking. She is only 66 and that is too young to die.
So, I guess this is why I don't talk about my life. It's been tough and I really struggle to just get through each day a lot of times. I do it because I know there are others who have it worse. I am grateful for what I do have. And who knows, maybe someday, I won't get rich from Google, Adsense, Gaiam or whatever, but maybe I will be able to pay a bill sooner than the day before it's shut off.
Thanks for reading and like I said, I try not to right about me on here but tonight, felt like getting these things off of my heart.
Feel free to use the contact form below if you need to write me.
Shelby Wallace
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